The Ten Best Things about Justin Bieber’s Retirement

January 7, 2014

If Justin Bieber is really retired, here is the good things that will come of it.

Justin Bieber Performs in Toronto

1. Music can have its good name back again

After years of hearing the sounds that come out of his records, music fans everywhere can rejoice that they’ll never have to hear another awful song of his where he repeats the same three words over and over again.

2. Mop bucket owners are sighing with relief

The Biebs made headlines last summer for peeing in a mop bucket while drunk at a New York City restaurant.

I don’t envy the guy who had to clean up after that, though it does make you wonder how many teenage girls would have shelled out big bucks for that piece of cleaning equipment on eBay.

3. We’ll never have to look at his awful wardrobe again

Seriously, what the hell man? Bieber’s pants had so many terrible colors that even Stevie Wonder is sick of looking at him.

And let’s not even start about the fact that he wore the hat of every single sports team in America on his head over the past several years.

Does this guy even know where the Pirates play?

4. Canada’s international reputation will improve

Canadians everywhere have gotten tired of apologizing for the assault on the ears that is Justin Bieber.

This retirement announcement is a weight lifted off of everyone’s shoulders.

5. We won’t have to sit through anymore terrible movies from the Biebs

Beiber’s much-hyped movie about his favorite subject, himself, took a nosedive at the box office, suggesting that maybe his retirement is coming at just the right time.

6. Hopefully he’ll retire from making ignorant comments on Twitter too

After visiting the home of Anne Frank in 2013, Bieber tweeted that he hoped she would have been a ‘Belieber’.

7. Hotel walls everywhere are safe

Later in 2013, Bieber not only spray painted graffiti on the wall of an Australian hotel, but was then brazen enough to put a picture of him spraying it on Instagram.

The “art” was later removed.

8. Maybe he’ll have time to read up on history

In another embarrassing international incident for Canada, Bieber went on the David Letterman show where he talked about visiting the Vatican, and seeing “the Sixteenth Chapel.”

9. We won’t have to stare at his face in the checkout lines anymore

Bieber has always been great material for the tabloid magazines at the grocery store.

Maybe now they’ll cover someone a little less nauseating.

10. Twitter will speed up

With nearly 48 million Twitter followers, Bieber is the second most followed account behind Katy Perry.

Hopefully now that he’s no longer polluting the airwaves, most of his fans will find something else to spend their time on, and unclog the servers at Twitter headquarters.